My Daughter...Part One (by Anonymous)
I am a writer. I tell stories to make sense out of my life, to give it shape and meaning. I tell stories to entertain. I like, above all, to make people laugh.
So, tell me then... how do I tell people the story that begins, "Today I signed my daughter into a mental hospital?"
Because I sure as heck don't know.
***********************
My daughter is in an adolescent psychiatric facility.
No, no, not relaxed enough...
My daughter had a bit of a nervous breakdown...
Misleading, and oh, so trite...
My daughter is locked up.
My daughter cut herself until she bled.
There is something wrong with my daughter.
TMI, all of them...
My daughter isn't home this Thanksgiving.
Good start, but not enough.
She's attending a residential program teaching her to deal with her emotions.
That's it. Just a residential program - like a summer camp, but with special features...
Locked windows.
No drawstrings on clothing.
Nothing sharp.
It's tricky, you see, telling people where my missing teen is. I don't want to evoke the wrong reaction. The listener needs to know that psychiatric ward is a good thing, a step up from a young life spiraling out of control.
The psychiatric hospital is not awful. What came before was awful. The insane fit over a confiscated cellphone. The blood on her arms. The not-knowing whether to call 911.
And before that incident even - the 2 months of constant fear, that was awful: the worry over leaving her alone, checking on her at night, hiding the razors...the helplessness of it all...
Now, where we're at now, is a blessed relief. Professionals are taking care of my daughter now, professionals so calm and self-assured that they give me hope that things can be fixed. People who actually know what they are doing with a girl this troubled; people, that is, unlike myself.
Myself - the person I can't help believing messed up that sweet creature entrusted to my care. I spend the morning in the ER, waiting for the psychiatric admission, combing back over the past 6 months, 3 years, 16 years....looking for what went wrong. "Do you remember," I ask my husband, a tired-looking man who had to wrestle his bleeding, snarling daughter into the car that morning, "when she was a week old, and I was sleep-deprived and overwhelmed and I said I couldn't take care of her anymore? I think that did it." He looks at me. "Really," I insist. "That implanted the lack of self-worth...." "Stop being ridiculous," he says, not unkindly.
I sit quietly, trying not to think. But my husband is indulging in his own desperate soul-searching. "What about last summer?" he says suddenly. "When we didn't let her go bowling?"
We both want answers. And there are none.
family
Reader Comments (45)
Ooof.
Hoping good things...
Many adolescents, with problems similar to what you describe in your daughter, have an underlying disorder which is treatable, often with a combination of therapy and medication. Life events, things parents do or don't do, usually do not result in a psychiatric admission unless there is more going on biochemically. Sometimes life events do take a toll, but these are generally horrific experiences which are so traumatic that the adolescent is overwhelmed. Even then, most kids can deal with these events if they do not occur over and over. I think it is very unlikely that you or your husband did anything to cause this. You simply do not have that much power It's tempting to think so, because then you could stop doing it, or take it back, and then everything would be OK again. I wish you all the best. My job is to admit people of all ages to a psychiatric hospital, and I know it's hard on everyone. But I see the results of what good treatment can do as well.
What a hard thing to deal with. But you had the strength and courage to see to it she was admitted. You love HER enough to tackle the social stigma (still) attached to institutionalizaion. THAT'S good parenting...
Thank you for sharing your story with us; that's got to be uncomfortable. But perhaps YOUR story will encourage other parents to tackle the hard issues too.
Be well
My son, last spring, 6 weeks, in a far away city. We are home, he's in school, coming back to himself a little more each day. My best advice is No Fear. And visit her everyday, consult with the psych everyday. And don't try to get back to normal, you have to find a new normal.
A hard road- don't blame.
Some things just happen, just are.
No reason, it's just something that happens.
She is getting help that is what matters right now.
Take care of you so you can be ready to handle all that comes your way.
Best for you and your family.
Maybe now, though, you'll get some answers and at least while she's there you'll get a rest and be ready to help her some more. Best wishes for her and you.
I am so, so sorry. I hope you and your husband and your daughter get some answers and some peace. My sister went through the same thing when she was 15 and my parents finally had to make the choice to send her to a facility and it was heartbreaking for our family. Now, with my own new daughter, I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling. What I will tell you is my sister had serious issues, but she got better. She was happy to be there eventually, my parents visited her and she called me. And when she got home she was dedicated to turning her life around. I really hope this is the end result for you guys. You're in my thoughts.
A dear friend who had a truly frightening mental breakdown a couple of years ago spent Thanksgiving with us yesterday. He is doing great now. But the bad times were terrible and terrifying.
I feel for you. But hang tough. There really is hope.
Sending you and your girl all good thoughts.
Heartbreaking ... My thoughts are with you. My husband and I went through a similar thing with one of our three daughters. Now, nearly 10 years later, she's happy, healthy, college-educated and a wonderful married mother. Your daughter will be okay. Although there never will be a real answer, she will be okay, and THAT will be enough.
How about, "She's in an inpatient program because she was hurting herself." Not tmi, all true.
My heart is just breaking for you and your family. What you are going through is something that I think most parents have, niggling in the back of their minds..."what would WE do in a situation like that?".
My thoughts and prayers are with you....may this time in the institution be healing for your daughter and for you all. Healing takes time....I wish you patience in the long road ahead.
No words, except that many of us are with you....and with her. Keep breathing.
My daughter's ex-boyfriend spent part of his 11th grade year in a psychiatric facility--and today he is a successful and happy adult. Thank goodness he got the help he needed. Thank goodness your daughter is getting the help she needs.
I hear you. Every word. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter who is slowly spiraling out of control. Unfortunately we are not in the power to help her, and I am afraid that when we are finally allowed by her out to lunch mother it may be too late. She too needs help in every matter of the word. Sometimes I feel we have given up on her and sometimes we do. She is not in our custody, and at 16 it would be very trying and tough to fight for custody, not to mention expensive when her bird brained mother can't see the light of day. She too threw a fit a few weeks back at her mother's. Threw something out her window and smashed it because her mom wouldn't take her driving. She too has cut herself, burned herself, uses drugs, sleeps around, lies, steels and who knows what else. I feel for you. Sorry.
One day at a time. To know that she is safe & to know that together you will get to the bottom of her illness and be able to treat her must be a wonderful relief. Those who draw judgmental conclusions have lived an untested life, they can't help themselves. Just continue to show her that you love her unconditionally and that you are not afraid. Take care...
My heart breaks for all of you; I cannot imagine what it took to make the decision to get her help in a residential facilty. A friend of mine had to make a similar decision about his son who was spiraling out of control, he said it was one of the worst days of his life but the a couple days later he realized he could concentrate better because he realized he didn't have to worry about where his son was. I pray for all of you for resolution and peace.
I feel for you. And your daughter. I watched my brother being admitted to psych wards both voluntarily and involuntarily. Know she is in the right place, she is safe and now you can all rest and regroup so that you can move forward and help her to a better life.
Stay well.
Good luck. Stay strong, for her and for you. It's a difficult road, but I believe that you're on the right one.
You have a family member in the hospital getting the care she needs, sooner rather than later, which is all you can do for any illness, and all the explaination required.
Loving parent, check.
That any of us have, had, or are parents who put care before pride, Amen.
Child, parent, friend, it doesn't matter. It is never easy to admit that the problem has gotten so big you need help, but as they say in Step One: Admit there is (or you have) a problem and that you are powerless over it. That is when the healing can begin. It is a long, hard road, but totally worth it. You were strong enough to take this step, you will be strong enough to see it through.
I was the troubled teen, in and out of treatment for an eating disorder (and lots of drama that came with it). Just keep showing up. Don't abandon her. Just keep showing up for duty when called, whatever that call and duty are. Big love to you!
What my good friend said when her son spent 5 weeks in the mental health unit of a hospital:
"He is in the hospital right now. They are working to find out what is wrong with him and work on solutions, be that medication or whatever. No, no visitors, please."
She's in a facility being treated for an illness. The fact that it is for mental health is secondary, but in our culture, we still are uncomfortable with the fact that the brain, like any organ, is vulnerable to illness. You and your husband were and are there for her. This counts for nearly everything. Postive thoughts sent your way.
Oh boy. Have I ever been there. Please know that there is hope.
We went through the same thing with my daughter. She came just short of a psychiatric hospital, and that was only because they did not have any specific treatment programs where we live, and I did not want her locked up for the sake of locking her up. Nobody can understand this pain unless they have lived it.
As a mother, you are programmed to "fix" things, and because this isn't fixable in the usual sense, it tears your heart out. You don't understand it. So you do what you can, and you try to take away the tools: you look in the sink/bathtub for telltale signs of blood, you look for hidden razors, you panic when she is closed in a room for too long, you don't like to leave her alone in the house. My story is too long to get into here, but believe me, I feel for you.
You WILL get through this, even though you think you won't. I am glad you are able to get the help for your daughter that they did not have available here. Even so, my daughter is now 19, has a job, and will be going to college in January. She hasn't hurt herself in over 3 years.
Regardless of what the diagnosis is, iknow that you did the loving and responsible thing by having her receive help from professionals. I hope that you will also take time to receive family counselling so that you can also cope and not blame yourselves. Sometimes there just is no explanation other than the situation has gone beyond a reasonable point of understanding for all involved.
My son had a friend last year who stopped by his classroom to see if he wanted to cut class. Knowing what the consequences were the previous time he had done it, he declined and his friend went home. Two hours later after drinking everything in the house, taking every pill he could find he took his life. This boy was bright, funny, loving and kind and you would have never known he was in such pain. How our hearts still ache for him and the wish that we could have helped in some way that would not have ended like that.
Though unpleasant, your daughters behavior was a scream for help and thank God you heard it.
Be brave and strong and know you did the right, responsible and loving thing. Because it was agonizing and soul wrenching does not mean you were wrong. Sometimes being a parent is the hardest thing you will ever do for the well being of your child. I send you prayers for healing and comfort and hopefully many arms to hold you up when things look darkest.