It's not rocket science (by Aaryn B.)
Family, School
Thanks to some questionable scheduling by the well-intentioned staff at my daughter's preschool, my husband and I attended a kindergarten forum last night, rather than watching President Obama's State of the Union Address. The upshot is that you dear, kind, tolerant, patient reader, don't have to suffer through a diatribe about all things political (though one could argue everything is political). The bummer---and there has to be one, a yin to the yang, as it were---is that, should you continue reading, you will endure a couple of paragraphs of me being not tremendously nice. Stay with me, if you can handle it. If not, go here instead.
So about this forum. It was designed for parents of kids who will be attending kindergarten in the fall. Two kindergarten teachers from different school districts spoke about things parents might do now in an effort to make their kids' transitions in September a little easier. This was general but very useful information along the lines of, velcro and elastic are your friends and let your kid wear what she wants and don't squelch her creativity by overcorrecting her and close your laptop and listen to what she has to say and don't take her pornographic drawings to school. Things like that.
Following the one-hour presentation, during which I dutifully took notes, the floor was open to questions. Initially, the questions were succinct, pertinent and ellicited meaningful dialogue. But it wasn't long before things took a turn. Remember in college, how there was always that oooooooone person who strayed off topic at every opportunity because the sound of her own voice was so intriguing? She always sat in the front row, had an overstuffed backpack that was frayed along the zipper and she could be counted on to raise her hand at least once for every two minutes of lecture time. You know who I'm talking about; there's one in every class. Office hours were invented for her.
Well. She's all growed up and was at the forum.
"Hi, I'm Calliope? And my little girl Coriander? Is 3-and-a-half? She's in the Elephant classroom?" The upward vocal inflection at the end of her sentences made me certain she was somehow going to incorporate her experience at band camp.
It was clear at this point we were going to be there a while, so I pulled out my new cell phone and began to read the SOTU speech. Sam also had his phone out and was texting one of his boyfriends, probably about car parts. Brakes and pads seem to get him all hot and bothered these days.
"Anyway," she continued as the clock ticked closer to 8:pm. "Coriander is 3-and-a-half and she was born on Earth Day. In the spring. Yeah...Earth Day." She said it so sweetly. And she said it twice, presumably so we could all share in such profound serendipity. I half expected her to offer a few details about her at-home water birth.
"So, anyway, I'm just wondering, like, is there nap time in kindergarten? Because my girl needs her naps for connecting."
Call me crazy but, maybe little Cumin needs her naps because she's 3-and-a-half! But what do I know? Less than the two teachers leading the conversation, that's for sure. Whereas I would have told the woman to go home, take a bong hit and come back in a year when it matters, these teachers---these masters of diplomacy---kindly told her there are no naps in kindergarten.
"Great. And I have another question." Of course she did.
"Coriander really loves to use the computer. She always wants to be on the computer and isn't interested in playing with me. She just wants to play on the computer. Do you have any opinion on her using the computer? And, too..." she still wasn't done, "are there computers in kindergarten?"
I thought to myself, as my phone loaded page two of Obama's speech, Lady, if Caraway is addicted to the computer, it's because you let her play on the computer. Cause and effect, yo. Forget Kindergarten Forum. How about Parenting Forum?
I could stand this line of questioning only slightly less than Justice Alito's superior scoff, so I turned my attention back to the tiny glowing screen on my lap.
"Well," replied one of the teachers, "we really don't think it's appropriate for pre-school aged kids to be using computers. They will learn to use them eventually because this technology is a valuable part of all our lives. But in our experience, we find that kids check out, they shut down, they stop being active. And more than that, they're so focused on the screen that many of them are unable to develop appropriate social skills."
Or...at least she said something along these lines. I didn't hear all of it because I was too busy being checked out while on my portable computer. "Kids need interaction, they need human touch," said the teachers. Sam and I looked at each other then, discreetly turned off our phones, took each other by the hand and counted the minutes until we could commiserate over a martini.
Aaryn Belfer is a writer living in Southern California. She blogs at aarynbelfer.com and you can contact her at wcaarynb@gmail.com.
Reader Comments (29)
Ha! Cumin! Caraway!
This made my day! Isn't it that the worst - having to listen to questions at these things which are specific to their child and their exception to the norm and then all the preamble that leads up to the darn question. It's great when facilitators of these events are good at redirecting or asking folks to speak with them after the session with their esoteric issues.
I can't wait for the stories. Caraway's mother will be the "Room Mother" and cause mad chaos and havoc.
That is hysterical! If you have a specific question about your specific child, please schedule a specific meeting! Thanks for the great laugh.
Oh yeah. I know the type. Life would be boring without them, yes?
Brace yourself -- It only gets worse. By first grade back-to-school night she will probably be asking the teacher what books Caraway should be reading to ensure her acceptance at Harvard.
The good news is that there are always a couple of other parents in the room who are snickering. I always take note and make sure to sit near them at the next school event.
Little Peaseblossom is going to be a smash hit in the kindergarten production of Midsummer. Watch out!
There's ALWAYS a parent like that at the p-t meetings!
I hate up-talkers. I want to punch them? In their faces?
And do kids go to Kindergarten at 4 in your area? I'm trying to understand why she was concerned about naps and computers, or the lackthereof, when little Cinnamon is only 3.5.
So glad to report that these parents are fewer and further between in northern Wisconsin. When they start talking? Like, I stop listening?
And hope their apples fell far from the tree?
I wanted to punch Samuel Alito in the mouth over his little temper tantrum. You are a Supreme Court Justice for Pete's Sake -- EXCUUUUUUSE me, aren't you supposed to be non-partisan!? I'm wrinting him a letter!
"Little Coriander? Tastes really good in a nice chicken curry? For reals?"
Ha! So funny. I love your writing. I live in a neighborhood of these women. Our school is infamous among teachers for overbearing and ridiculous parents. Though, there are many fab ones, too. Sorry you missed so much of the speech. I would like to read your take on it.
@aunt joan: EXACTLY!!!!!!!
@karamia: I'm going to watch it tonight. I've sequestered myself from all news coverage and pundit echo chambers today. So I''ll likely be unable to refrain from some sort of reaction. Stay tuned...
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think we could all? Use a little help? Not throwing paperwads? In the PTA? =)
Well said. These people are at every meeting. A general rule of thumb, for a meeting of any topic, is please don't raise your hand and ask the question if it is only about you and doesn't affect the rest of the group.
I also think these meetings are actually parenting classes because little Cumin will adjust fine. It's the parents that will have the harder time.
The funniest thing about reading this post? I had the same rant from my husband last night after he came home from a day of reorganization meetings at work. I guess these people are EVERYWHERE but luckily only one seems to show up to each meeting. ;)
I have a gifted assistant who IS that parent - her daughter's name is Curry or something. They show up here on payday in their matching Hannah Andersons and their matching braided hair and their apple muffins from the food coop and we hate them. Except we love them. Anyway, we homeschool, so I'm perfectly comfortable with preschoolers (spilling fresca) on the computer and (me) taking naps. And there is only one other annoying babysitter I mean parent, and he never (up)talks.
I love both guys named Sam mentioned in this post. And that's the truth.
I'm hungry.
ahhh ~ you parents is growin' up, very sweet like!
And you realize of course, that these folks will
be at every meeting and every event from now on,
including birthday parties :)
Yep, the one that I remember is the dad (they come in the male flavor, too!) who wouldn't quit pestering the poor volunteer leading the maternity floor tour about which carseat he should buy. Lame!
And I'm glad that you two decided to put away your gadgets and be present in the moment (annoying as it was). Far too little of that going on these days.
Wait. Just wait. That woman will develop friendships and they will attend every meeting. Every. Meeting. Lord help me I can't stand them.
I will always love Alan Bersin, San Diego's much-maligned superintendent, for the following: Big meeting about district-wide issues. Mom stands up and asks a question about "her special child," and he responded, "Stop right there. Your child is no more special than anyone else's child." Thank you. Now if he hadn't ruined it all by totally sucking as superintendent!
ROTFLMBO
Please tell me your martinis were perfect.
My oldest son was born on Earth Day, but I save my questions for face-to-face.
The best things about little kids on computers is that when it's done right they actually learn to use computers for more than playing. Our kinders are on them--they have learned to make story maps and webs and manipulate features. My first grader last year did a presentation on insects using 3 power point cards and a smart board. She understands how to use the computer to find out information, connect with a friend who moved back to the States, and Skype her grandparents. She actually rarely uses the computer to PLAY GAMES on. That's my high schooler....SIGH.
Miss Cassava and her little Casserole are in for some surprises, though.