Photo Courtesy of Jana

My mother passed away some years ago. I’m not counting but I’m certain it’s pushing 20 years. I find that at the oddest, most random times, thoughts of my mother will cross my mind. Last night was one of those times.

Because our brains work at warp-speed, in a flash of seconds, my brain went from thinking about my mother to missing my mother, to seeing things through my mother’s eyes, then crying about it briefly — the kind of tears that are so brief that only you know they surfaced.

As I have gotten older, when certain events pass through my life, I think to myself, “My mother’s been here.” Then, there are times when I’m not certain if an event passed through my mother’s life, so I wonder. But as a child, you don’t consider your parents’ journey. You don’t realize where they’ve been or what they’ve experienced. You almost take their lives for granted. You have your life as a child, they have their lives as adults and the two seem light years apart from each other.

I find that in my life, I am still that 12 year old kid that dreams, that has goals, that tries her best. I know my mother can’t have been any different. I remember when she wanted to be an interior designer. She started out at a Sherwin-Williams, realized she had a flair for matching paints to wallpapers and built quite a clientele. Later, she went back to school to finish her degree and she’d planned on getting her ASID accreditation. She soon had her own business which she called, “Lifestyle Interiors”. In the early years, as a Marine wife, she always managed to make the most dismal of base housing into the most palatial that square footage would allow. My mother was always learning, always growing and I’m sure, always aspiring.

I also remember the first time my mother told me she had cancer. I heard it but was in complete denial. This doesn’t mean I said out loud, “No, that’s not true and I won’t believe it!” This just means that I didn’t really look the prospect of her death in the eye. I saw it clearly, however, while I was holding her hand on that last night as she drew her very last breath.

The three words, “Life is short” are not a cliche. And while I might not have known it at the time, I learned at the age of 5 that you should not pass up opportunities to do things you’ve never done, things that you’ve always wanted to do, or things that you are too afraid to do.

On July 4, 1969, my family lived in Taiwan in a military compound. We were a Marine family. As it is in the military, everyone is aware when you are far from home and try to make home of your temporary home. In those days, home was only as long as a year. I remember this particular day so, so clearly because it was the first time I recall wanting to do something so badly, yet I was terrified to do it. While I was terrified to do it, other children seemed to be enjoying it with gusto. Child after child climbed what seemed to be an Empire State building sized ladder that took you up to a platform. Once on that platform, a Marine helped you step into a parachute harness and from there, you zip-lined,squealing with glee all theway,down to another Marine who caught you. No matter how much fun the other children appeared to be having, and no matter how successful each child’s arrival at the other end, I could not muster the bravery to participate.

For days later, I regretted not doing the zip line. In fact, for years after and to this very day, I am reminded often of the event and the regret that followed. It is because of that event that I am now, who I am, and that I push to do the things that I do, and that I do not pass up on things that I want to do, and it is why I continue to work towards certain goals and why I hold relationships with people in my life as precious. I have understood for a very, very long time, the value of life experiences and the importance of the relationships I have with the people in my life.

It is also why I am picture crazy and why I have kept journals since I was twelve and why I keep this blog today. Because, as it was for my mother, life is short. Memory tends to be short too and not terribly reliable. Therefore, I keep an account of the things that make me happy, the things that challenge me, the things I want to do and the people I enjoy being around. It probably sounds like drivel and minutia to many but it is, after all, my blog.

Jana is a full time Executive Assistant to the CEO of a defense contracting firm in the Washington, DC area. She is also a full time horse lover and enjoys blogging about her adventures with horses,friends, family and life. She blogs at Anyplace Farm.