The Self Examined Life (by Mrs. G.)
Mrs. G 
Monday Mrs. G. dogged Tiger Woods and Tuesday she admitted she hates emoticons; it’s Wednesday and it feels instinctive to wrap up this haphazard series of grievances with a third installment, a bitch and moan trilogy if you will.
Before she spills it, please be advised that she is speaking only from her, granted, limited, personal experience. She is not discussing you or you. Only you know you. Mrs. G. is not that presumptuous. She’ll admit after the defense many of you mounted in alliance with smiley faces, she is nervous to state the following:
OK. Take a deep breath.
Mrs. G. thinks therapy is a crock.
(If this is your profession, she doesn't doubt your success in helping others.)
But for her, it's the truth. Mrs. G. has never had anything helpful or enlightening take place in a therapist’s office. If anything, she has left most therapy sessions dragging more burdensome baggage than she went in with. She's paid good money for psychic pain.
Now she’s going to make her case.
1987: After a month long depression, Mrs. G’s parents sent her to see Dr. Charlie B., an 80-year-old psychiatrist practicing in Santa Monica. Mrs. G. adored Charlie. He was a smart and shrewd old man and He frequently took her to a steak house for their therapy sessions and a t-bone. Two months into therapy, Charlie encouraged twenty-year-old Mrs. G. to go out with another of his patients who was recovering from an earth shattering break-up. He gave his other patient Mrs. G’s number. The date was a disaster (it was depressing) and Mrs. G’s mother insisted Mrs. G. never go back to see Charlie. Mrs. G. was happy to oblige.
1997: Mrs. G. was around thirty, and the deaths of two significant loved ones sent her spiraling. Everything seemed turned upside down, and she was miserable. On the advice of a friend, she went to see a therapist, a seemingly nice woman named Nancy who liked Cosby Show-like geometric patterned sweaters and oversized earrings. The first ninety minutes they spent together, Mrs. G. and Nancy had a six sentence discussion about the present before they dug right into the meat of Mrs. G’s childhood. Prior to this session, Mrs. G. would have described her childhood as genuinely happy with a few notable bumps. Mrs. G. had been told by more than one friend that she seemed to have a refreshingly healthy broad view of her past. She had few recriminations. It was what it was.
She is not exaggerating one speck when she tells you she walked out of Nancy’s office deflated. She remembers driving home, busting into the house, throwing herself on the couch and bawling to Mr. G. that she had been unaware that she had such a wretched childhood: divorce, betrayal, willful abandonment. How could she have thought she was happy? Nancy was right. She was in deep denial.
To make a painfully prolonged story short, within weeks, under Nancy’s authority, Mrs. G. questioned everything and everyone in her life, including close friends and Mr. G. It was only later that Mrs. G. realized it was odd for a therapist to call you regularly at home to just talk or to actively encourage alienating loved ones.
Think what you like, but if Mrs. G. was in denial prior to seeking Nancy’s therapeutic counsel, she wished she had stayed there; she was a happier woman. Older and smarter, she thinks it is entirely possible to face the future without excavating the past. In retrospect, she thinks Nancy was encouraging her to dig and reshape run of the mill memories into imminent wounds.
2001: Mr. and Mrs. G. go to a marriage counselor to diffuse anger resulting from a less than stellar year. They would enter the office relatively practical and calm, discuss supposed past disappointments and slights and barely make it to the car without taking each other down in the parking lot. Truly, the drives home screaming and railing at each other were worse than any problem that had led them to seek help. They had to quit therapy to save their marriage. Mrs. G. felt their experience was validated last week when she came across the New York Times Magazine cover story, “Married (Happily) With Issues”.
In the article, the writer and her husband embark on improving their marriage through marriage education classes and Oprah endorsed Harvel Hendricks’s “Getting the Love You Want” workbooks. The couple is weary of psychoanalysis, weary of learning things they don’t wish to know or saying things that shouldn’t be said. The writer quotes William Doherty, a psychologist and the director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, believes, “If you talk to a therapist in the United States about problems in your marriage, I believe that you stand a good risk of harming your marriage.” Doherty believes couples should seek counseling that teaches them how to accept each other as they are rather than who they should be.
Mr. and Mrs. G. suspended therapy and white knuckled it through the valley. Mrs. G. went to a final on-one-one session with the marriage counselor to wrap things up. Midway through the fifty minutes, the therapist suggested Mrs G. spruce things up, put on a little make up and, Mrs. G. is not joking, consider showing up to bed with a feather boa. Reader, that is never going to happen. You are either into boas or you are not. It’s beneficial to know your limits, which, in Mrs. G’s case, include anything involving feathers. Mrs. G. remembers looking at the therapist and being absolutely certain the woman did not know her, that she was seriously reaching.
That was it. Mrs. G. decided she was through with $120 an hour help. Frankly, she couldn’t take any more help. And if she had to rely occasionally on old school denial, letting go or, if all else fails, sweeping shit under the rug, so be it.
But Helen, you might be thinking, what about your unconscious conflicts, your character problems that could be interpreted by a trained professional who can help you create insight to resolve your problems?
Any more, life seems shorter and shorter.
Mrs. G. will take garden variety happy over clinician endorsed healthy.
It's more dependable and straightforward.
It's cheaper.
photo originally published in USA Today, photographer unknown
Reader Comments (39)
Think how many spa treatments you could have gotten for $120 an hour? Now THAT'S therapy.
It seems like you've experienced a run of particularly unprofessional, unethical and simply crappy therapists.
Standing ovation, Mrs. G. It takes guts to say what you said when therapy is such a commonly accepted solution. You did a wonderful job stating that this is your own and personal point of view and not a generalization. Great post!
My one and only try at therapy ended up with things being twisted by the professional and her seemingly wilfull misunderstanding of what I was trying to say. I am with you Missus G. I may be screwed up and unhealthy but I am quite happy.
there are no instant, magic cures for all the pain and suffering that drives people to seek help
people do not want to change it is hard to do
therapists are human beings some are better at it than others
the human mind is still a great mystery that we do not understand
I'm sure with you on this one. I also feel the same way about acupuncture and personal coaching.
It's good to know what works for yourself and what doesn't.
I'm sure even a therapist (at least a good one) would agree that therapy helps some folks and doesn't work for others.
I'm so happy you wrote about your experience with therapy. This is an issue I've grappled with most of my life. Both of my parents suffered clinical depression as teenagers. Both had bad experiences with therapy. I finally went to a therapist last year when I went through an experience that was resistant to all of me finely honed personal coping strategies. I came away from my sessions feeling good...sometimes great. I was fortunate to meet a woman who was a kindred spirit...one who had been through my exact experience...one who, had we not met under a professional therapist/client circumstance, would have been someone I'd have over for wine and girl talk. I'm certain the feeling was mutual. I realized that I got the same thing out of my sessions with her that I did with a long heart to heart conversation with one of my close girlfriends. I guess the only difference was that she had no preconceived ideas or history with me, so maybe a little less biased in some areas. I realized how fortunate I am to have a few solid friends (including a fantastic sister) to share with and cry and heal, but there have been times where I've had to pull back and stop myself from revisiting history so much and just accept it for what it is, learn from it, embrace today, and look forward with hope.
I hope you aren't beaten up for this because I think it's true that therapy isn't for everyone and that there are probably as many so so therapists as good ones.
A pedicure and a massage and you'll feel like a new woman...more financially feasible too! Top that off with an adult beverage of your choice at home - now that's realistic therapy!
I have not been to a therapist as an adult--growing up in a family that endured lots of family counseling sessions didn't enamor me of the experience. Where I to try it, I would go for the type that focuses on changing what is bothering you know, uses only a few sessions and leaves the past in the past. I've heard good things about this type of therapy.
I've been going to a marriage class at church that is excellent. There is no dredging up of past conflicts or analyzing your life to death. The ideas are to self-examine, remove pride from your life, don't try to change your partner, accept your partner for who he/she is, and put God first. I consider myself a happy person with a good marriage, but it has been very helpful to me. I don't think re-living the past does any good, other than maybe learning from a mistake and then moving on. Sorry you had to go through all that crap, Mrs. G.
I recall having a getting-to-know-you conversation with a music director who's choir I was auditioning for. He was also an ecumenical counselor in training. Once he found out certain details about me, he persisted to dig at my childhood by asking leading questions and when he didn't get the answer he wanted he would actually imply that I should have been wounded in some way. Uhm, nope, I'm a stable and balanced adult that accepts the past for what it is.
Needless to say I didn't join the choir.
I find this blog to be my therapy and the women who contribute their thought provoking, funny and gut wrenching articles as my therapists. I have found that I am not alone. My childhood although not stellar was not horrible either. My children are no worse than anybody else's. My husband isn't perfect (me either) and come to find out, through this wonderful blog, other husbands are also great big pains at times and utterly wonderful at others.
So pour a glass wine, whiskey or beer and bask in knowing you are ok. Really ok.
Mrs G. I totally agree with you on this one. I think some of the happiest people I know are just very good at sweeping shit under the rug! The older I get, the better I get at sweeping.
Mrs G. I totally agree with you on this one. I think some of the happiest people I know are just very good at sweeping shit under the rug! The older I get, the better I get at sweeping.
I so agree - and I love the analyst who helped to validate my feelings that my parents were the one's who needed therapy, not me. She sent me home with the very good advice to ignore mean people. Took exactly thirty minutes, no charge.
I have yet to meet anyone who was helped by protracted rehashing of everything horrible that has ever happened to them - how does that teach folks to cope and move on? I'm don't mean to sound ugly, I really don't get it. How does that help someone be well?
Oh therapy. So good for so many and yet...so crappy for some of us. I have yet to meet a therapist who helped me even a little, even during the times when I really, REALLY needed a therapist. Finely honed coping strategies indeed! They keep our heads above the water and the rocks out of our pockets.
I have had good therapy. I haven't had any truly bad therapy. And I have never stayed in any for an extended period of time.
But sheesh, just because someone claims to have a degree doesn't mean they'll have more insight into your life than someone who truly KNOWS you. I went because I felt it was helpful at the time. But if it hadn't been something that I walked away from feeling BETTER (and I always did) then I'd have the same opinion. That it's a crock of crap.
I do know people who have had bad therapy.
For me, like the song "A good friend and a glass of wine" is usually all it takes. ;)
Farmgirl: I had a similar experience. Mine was spread out over a few sessions to help me BELIEVE I am not crazy. And then armed me with some tools on how to love your parents, but not be too wraped up in their crazy.
Boundaries. That's what I learned. And when I feel myself having trouble w/them again, I don't need more therapy. I need to go back to what I learned in those sessions.
And really, the only reason I needed the therapy was because CLEARLY I didn't learn it from home. I didn't need the sessions to shred and dissect my family. Just to learn what I didn't from them, and apply that to my relationship with them. Worked for me.
I've seen a few different therapists for issues that I couldn't otherwise resolve myself. I think its fair to say that, with one exception, they were all crap. As for the one gem, she changed my life, made me a better person and helped me to get over debilitating anger that was destroying me from the inside and wrecking my marriage. The gems do exist but they are hard to find.
My ex is a therapist. Together we went to eight therapists and he found something wrong with almost all of them - usually when they asked him to be accountable for his own behavior. The one he loved told us to forget about our problems and "flow." That worked for about five minutes. There was one I liked. After the ex and I saw her several times, I called her privately and asked her what she would say, knowing what she knew about us, if I asked her if I should leave him or not. She took a breath and said, "I would tell you to leave him." I appreciated her willingness to cut the crap and be straight up with me. Money well spent.
All that aside, I have had good therapy and "meh" therapy. The best therapists deal with what's happening NOW and don't go out of their way to dredge up the past unless it helps illustrate something happening NOW. They teach strategies and don't meander through a lot of bullshit. There are gifted therapists and useless therapists, just as there are gifted and useless doctors, money managers, teachers, etc.
Sorry you got suck with some useless therapists. :-)
I rendered my therapist speechless with stories of my childhood. It was at least amusing to watch her grasp frantically in the recesses of her mind for pat phrases she was used to employing and then the look on her face as she closed her mouth again upon realizing none of her usuals applied. My advice, after much naval gazing, is simply that the past is the past....you can choose how to react to the present and what to make of the future.
I have been fortunate. When I needed help at different points of my life, I found good therapy. It helped me be myself and believe I was lovable. It may be because I went to cognitive therapy, which is short term and not about delving into the past.
When my husband and I went for marriage counseling, he didn't participate much and then stopped going. I continued on my own and the counselor said he would not change and I had to decide if I could live with that. He was furious when I told him she said that, said she was trying to break us up, I saw it differently. I saw it as the choice it is, every day to hang in there or go.
I makes me so sorry to hear of these bad experiences, because mine have been so positive.
I'm with you on this one.